Tonight I was thinking about how much I care about image. I think I can say that I'm like most people in that I like to look nice. When I don't... like when I have a bad hair day or a stinking zit on my face (yes - I still get them), it affects the way that I feel about myself throughout my day. Maybe not in a big way, but at least I think about. How stupid is this? I'll answer my own question. Very stupid.
I was talking to a friend at work a few weeks ago about "girly girls". I was talking about someone that I thought was in that category. My friend didn't say much of anything. I'm sure she thought I was a hypocrite.
My friend is a simple person. She always looks nice, but she wears little if any make-up. I've rarely seen her wear a piece of jewelry, and she doesn't use hairspray, either. I've never seen her wear high heels. There I stand, wearing make-up, of course, since I rarely go anywhere without it. I'm sure I had at least a few pieces of jewelry on, and I'm also positive that I was wearing perfume and sporting several spritzes, at minimum, of hairspray. I definitely do wear high heels at times, no matter how painful, because I love how they look with certain outfits. Sometimes I paint my nails. I even wear lipstick to work on occasion, and I have taken the time to reapply it a time or two.
I'm not saying that any of these things are wrong. I just think that it's wrong for me to dwell on superficial things, or to let it affect my day or how I feel about myself.
Gosh, I think I do dwell on these things sometimes. I can be rather self-conscious. Sometimes I'm not comfortable with who I am. I think this is why I care about image. How I'd really like to be free of this. Free of always comparing myself to others. I'd like to stop passing by the mirror noticing the things that I do or don't like about myself in comparison to others. Yuck!
Since then I've thought to myself. What do I think even qualifies someone as a "girly girl"? "What makes me different than one?" Well, actually, not much. I guess I don't like massages, pedicures, or manicures. But mostly because I don't want someone I don't know touching me. I don't like to spend a lot of money on clothes, although I do like to have nice clothes. Shopping is not one of my favorite activities. I don't fake bake. And... that's about it. Crap! I can't be a girly girl!
Saint Rose of Lima once rubbed her face with pepper till it was red and blistery because she feared that her beauty might be of temptation to someone. Let me tell you that I am not worried about that. Nothing tempting here. But I had this thought... what if I had been born hideous? How different would I be?
Would I see things differently. Would I see more with my heart. Perhaps I would be more able to love everyone, regardless of how they appear.
I have been asking myself this question: How do I treat others who look different, who are not clean, who smell bad? This is my current work in progress. And my prayer to get me started:
Lord, I seek to please you in all things. I ask that you make me humble and holy. Reveal to me the things that I desire which are not pleasing to you. And help me as I struggle to let go of those things. Open my heart so I can be free to love others as you have called me to love. May I be more like you, Jesus.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Will you love them anyway?
We care about making ends meet, providing for our families, doing well at our career, being good at this or that, and staying healthy. God cares about our relationships, how we are loving each other, and getting us to heaven to be with Him forever.
I have noticed how people react differently to hurt. Especially in marriage, you make yourself very vulnerable to that person. It has to be that way in order to truly love someone. Love is total. You give all of yourself to someone. And that makes us vulnerable.
I have noticed how difficult it is for some people to forgive past hurts. And when they think they do, they really don't, because they bring it up again and again. They remember it, ponder it, and feel the pain over and over again when they think about it. I can't say that I have never done that. I have. It is so hard to let go of past hurts. I think it can be our way of protecting ourselves from having it ever happen again.
If you're looking around, comparing yourself to others, thinking their lives are so perfect. Stop. Because they're not. It may appear that way, because many of us keep our imperfections to ourselves.
Sometimes I wonder, why do people keep things in secret? Why do people try so hard not to let others see inside? Why do they lead others to believe that things are perfect, when they're not. I think for some it is because they are afraid. They are ashamed or embarrassed, or have a fear of being rejected.
When we are afraid to call our struggles or sin by name, then they become that much stronger. Sometimes we even convince ourselves that everything is okay. satan tricks us that way. He knows that if we cannot admit to our sin or our problem, we are trapped.
If you have read any books about spiritual warfare, you know that one of the crucial things that happens when someone is being delivered from an unclean spirit is to call it by it's name: greed, lust, mockery, anger, etc... And when this happens, it begins to lose power.
So many people are afraid to let others see what makes them less than perfect. Do not be afraid. It's the first step toward healing.
I was helping at a retreat a few years ago, when the group leaders were asked to start the retreat by taking a poster-sized piece of paper and then to write down a sin that we have struggled with. We were to then take this paper and walk in front of about 80 retreat participants. Talk about transparent. I could've written a lot of things on that paper. But I chose to play it safe. I wrote "pride", which is an ugly sin, but definitely not my worst. When I watched what some of those people wrote on their paper and then proceeded to walk in front of all of those people, I was moved by their courage. No one wanted to do it, but they did. They wanted others to know... we are just like you . We are sinners. But we come to Jesus, knowing that we are less than perfect, and we will still be loved. Think of your relationship with your spouse or your family member.
Is it less than perfect?
Will you love them anyway?
Jesus does.
I have noticed how people react differently to hurt. Especially in marriage, you make yourself very vulnerable to that person. It has to be that way in order to truly love someone. Love is total. You give all of yourself to someone. And that makes us vulnerable.
I have noticed how difficult it is for some people to forgive past hurts. And when they think they do, they really don't, because they bring it up again and again. They remember it, ponder it, and feel the pain over and over again when they think about it. I can't say that I have never done that. I have. It is so hard to let go of past hurts. I think it can be our way of protecting ourselves from having it ever happen again.
If you're looking around, comparing yourself to others, thinking their lives are so perfect. Stop. Because they're not. It may appear that way, because many of us keep our imperfections to ourselves.
Sometimes I wonder, why do people keep things in secret? Why do people try so hard not to let others see inside? Why do they lead others to believe that things are perfect, when they're not. I think for some it is because they are afraid. They are ashamed or embarrassed, or have a fear of being rejected.
When we are afraid to call our struggles or sin by name, then they become that much stronger. Sometimes we even convince ourselves that everything is okay. satan tricks us that way. He knows that if we cannot admit to our sin or our problem, we are trapped.
If you have read any books about spiritual warfare, you know that one of the crucial things that happens when someone is being delivered from an unclean spirit is to call it by it's name: greed, lust, mockery, anger, etc... And when this happens, it begins to lose power.
So many people are afraid to let others see what makes them less than perfect. Do not be afraid. It's the first step toward healing.
I was helping at a retreat a few years ago, when the group leaders were asked to start the retreat by taking a poster-sized piece of paper and then to write down a sin that we have struggled with. We were to then take this paper and walk in front of about 80 retreat participants. Talk about transparent. I could've written a lot of things on that paper. But I chose to play it safe. I wrote "pride", which is an ugly sin, but definitely not my worst. When I watched what some of those people wrote on their paper and then proceeded to walk in front of all of those people, I was moved by their courage. No one wanted to do it, but they did. They wanted others to know... we are just like you . We are sinners. But we come to Jesus, knowing that we are less than perfect, and we will still be loved. Think of your relationship with your spouse or your family member.
Is it less than perfect?
Will you love them anyway?
Jesus does.
Saturday, November 9, 2013
"Jesus, make me more like you. Mary, help me to be more like your son."
I kind of forgot that I said this prayer, while on a visit to church, for some quiet time with Jesus on my lunch break this week. I finished it with, "Even if I have to suffer."
I want to be more like Jesus. I desire to make it to heaven, and to help others to get there as well.
I have been thinking about persecution. What does God expect of me when I am being persecuted for His sake?
I am to accept it.
Allow it. Quit struggling against it.
Hold it out to Him as a precious gift that He will use for the good of His kingdom.
What did Jesus do, when his best friends rejected and denied him on his way to the cross? He accepted it.
I know that when I am hurt or rejected by people, it is an opportunity to grow closer to Jesus.
I wish that this week, when I had heard those unkind words being said about me, from even my friends, that I would have willed myself to listen to that voice in my head that said, "You are being persecuted." Instead, I internalized it. Like I always do. I was hurt, and then I reacted by becoming angry. And.... anger never works. We are not to return evil for evil.
A lesson that I am learning:
Keep Trying. Don't give up.
He sees your struggle to do something better. It matters. So keep trying!
Lord, give me humility. Help me to accept when others are unkind. May I seek you, no matter what the cost. Help me to recall what it must've have been like for you, when your closest friends denied you as you went to your death. And may I react with love, as you did, even in your most painful final hours.
I want to be more like Jesus. I desire to make it to heaven, and to help others to get there as well.
I have been thinking about persecution. What does God expect of me when I am being persecuted for His sake?
I am to accept it.
Allow it. Quit struggling against it.
Hold it out to Him as a precious gift that He will use for the good of His kingdom.
What did Jesus do, when his best friends rejected and denied him on his way to the cross? He accepted it.
I know that when I am hurt or rejected by people, it is an opportunity to grow closer to Jesus.
I wish that this week, when I had heard those unkind words being said about me, from even my friends, that I would have willed myself to listen to that voice in my head that said, "You are being persecuted." Instead, I internalized it. Like I always do. I was hurt, and then I reacted by becoming angry. And.... anger never works. We are not to return evil for evil.
A lesson that I am learning:
Keep Trying. Don't give up.
He sees your struggle to do something better. It matters. So keep trying!
Lord, give me humility. Help me to accept when others are unkind. May I seek you, no matter what the cost. Help me to recall what it must've have been like for you, when your closest friends denied you as you went to your death. And may I react with love, as you did, even in your most painful final hours.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Make of us a Saint
First of all... thanks Jackie for the e-mail, titled "Write, Sister". I thought of it the other day, but then I threw that idea right out the window... "Who wants to read it?" Well, I guess I know I have 1 follower, at least! Thanks for reading, Jacks!
On the ride to work today, I was listening to a CD. The speaker had spoken at the Magnificat Women's Conference, which is held locally. I love to go, but haven't made it for the last few years.
The speaker is a father of 4. He was talking about praying with his children at night. He said that each evening they pray, "Father, make of us a saint, no matter what the cost." It made me a little emotional.
No matter what it costs?
I think I'm a little afraid to pray for that. You see, I want to be a saint, too. And I want my children to be saints. I want us all to be more holy, because it will bring us closer to Jesus. But I often think, "that's not possible for me." Yet, I have learned so much from the lives of the saints, and many of them were ordinary people like me.
I'm just a little afraid. I know that I hold back what God deserves to have. And I think I do it because I am afraid. I'm afraid where God might take me. I guess I have trouble trusting my heavenly Father, who loves me the most. What a strange thing. I know He is in control, and here I am, still trying to hold onto my own sense of control.
Sometimes when I pray, I gather the courage to say, "May Your will be done in my life." And then, it's like I'm waiting... for the thunder. I, who have been so blessed in my life, am still afraid to fully trust in God.
And then while eating supper tonight, I had an epiphany. I was thinking... "Where have I heard that phrase before?" Your will be done.
Every single time that I have said the Our Father, I have asked that His will be done.
Our Father who art in heaven
Hallowed be thy name
They kingdom come
Thy will be done
On Earth as it is in heaven....
I have said that prayer a thousand times. Now I will mean it when I say it!
On the ride to work today, I was listening to a CD. The speaker had spoken at the Magnificat Women's Conference, which is held locally. I love to go, but haven't made it for the last few years.
The speaker is a father of 4. He was talking about praying with his children at night. He said that each evening they pray, "Father, make of us a saint, no matter what the cost." It made me a little emotional.
No matter what it costs?
I think I'm a little afraid to pray for that. You see, I want to be a saint, too. And I want my children to be saints. I want us all to be more holy, because it will bring us closer to Jesus. But I often think, "that's not possible for me." Yet, I have learned so much from the lives of the saints, and many of them were ordinary people like me.
I'm just a little afraid. I know that I hold back what God deserves to have. And I think I do it because I am afraid. I'm afraid where God might take me. I guess I have trouble trusting my heavenly Father, who loves me the most. What a strange thing. I know He is in control, and here I am, still trying to hold onto my own sense of control.
Sometimes when I pray, I gather the courage to say, "May Your will be done in my life." And then, it's like I'm waiting... for the thunder. I, who have been so blessed in my life, am still afraid to fully trust in God.
And then while eating supper tonight, I had an epiphany. I was thinking... "Where have I heard that phrase before?" Your will be done.
Every single time that I have said the Our Father, I have asked that His will be done.
Our Father who art in heaven
Hallowed be thy name
They kingdom come
Thy will be done
On Earth as it is in heaven....
I have said that prayer a thousand times. Now I will mean it when I say it!
Friday, August 2, 2013
Quit Stinkin' Thinkin'
This is me. I know that there is a battle going on in my brain daily, and I am my own worst enemy. I conjure up old memories and agonize over the wrong things that I have done, or the things that I wish I could do over. I went to the prayer meeting on Monday evening and this was the line that really struck a chord, "Quit Stinkin Thinkin"! I laughed out loud when I heard it. This fits me perfectly. I've been doing some "stinkin thinkin" lately. On occasion, I drive myself crazy with my "stinkin thinkin".
So let me say before I go any further, please forgive me if I have ever offended you by the dumb things I have said without thinking. I don't want to be that way, but I am. I am so far from perfect.
So to humor you, I'm going to let you in on some of my recent "stinkin thinkin". (Part of why I'm sharing this with you is so you will know you're not as bad as you thought you were!!)
* One time my brother-in-law was venting to Doug about his job, and after listening, I blurted out, "I love my job". (I know...great timing, great consideration. Where's the love?)
*Some of my high school girlfriends will remember this one. One evening we were out at the bars, and I was already dating Doug at the time. A guy or two hit on me that evening, probably not in a very appropriate way. I was getting annoyed. The next guy who said something to me really got it. He just said something... I don't even remember what, actually I don't even think I heard him. I turned around and said (and I'm really embarrassed to share this) "Run away squirrel!" OMG - what was I thinking? Turns out, this guy was just striking up conversation and he happened to be a very nice guy. Me, not so nice. The look on his face made me wish I could take it back a thousand times. He was hurt.
* When I was younger and I worked at the Dairy Dream, we were always bustin' butt to get out of there on weekends so we could go out. We had just closed up and there was a woman in the drive-thru with her 4 little boys. She ordered cones for them. I was so annoyed that she was there after closing time, but I made the cones. When I brought them back to her, she said, "oh, I wanted them in cups". I gave her a dirty look and spoke in an unfriendly tone. I didn't realize till later, that she probably did order them in cups... I was just in too big of a hurry to get out of there, that I didn't bother to listen. Selfish!!!
* When I was in the 8th grade, our student council did a fundraiser for Valentine's Day. You could order a flower and they would deliver it for you. Most people did it anonymously. There was this boy in my class who made fun of me all the time. He made me so mad. SO MAD! I didn't realize till later, that that is an 8th grade boy's way of saying, "I like you." Apparently he had ordered a flower for me and they came to deliver them during gym class. I can't remember why, but I wasn't in class that day. When they delivered flowers, they must've forgotten the one he ordered for me. No big deal for most people, but he threw a fit in front of the whole class (or so I was told). So now, everyone knew that he liked me. I was so embarrassed when my friends told me this. To top it off, he and his friend came up with a new nickname for me that day, "canyon." Yes - we were in 8th grade. It had something to do with my chest.(although I had nothing going on there whatsoever at that time... well, as a matter of fact, I still... um, never mind... not going there). Anyway, I was livid by the end of the day. We had lockers right next to each other. I opened my locker, and the flower had arrived. I was so mad that I grabbed that flower and walked over to the trash can and stuffed it in... right in front of him. Then I stormed off. I regretted that one immediately, too. I think he forgave me, because he still had a crush on me in high school. Poor guy.
I could go on and on.
But there is an up side to these stories. Through the "stinkin thinkin" discussion, I have come to realize that I am not defined by a few stupid things that I've said or done in my past. That is not who I am. That's why I need to leave it in the past. When I stand before God, he is only going to see his daughter. And He will love me the same as he loves you, your friend, the homeless guy, or the millionaire. I know this even more, because I have children of my own. It has really helped me to understand my relationship with God. I love my children equally. I will never stop loving them. They cannot do things to make me love them more. They cannot do things to make me love them less. There will be times when I will be proud, and there will be times when I am disappointed. But I will always love them the same.
Furthermore, love is not an emotion. There are emotions attached to loving someone, but love itself is not an emotion. Sometimes you do have to work at it. But in perfect love, you can't just stop loving someone. You just love them, because you do. And God won't stop loving us. He just loves us. It's that simple.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Having a Good Friend
Sometimes I feel bummed about how some of my close friendships have dwindled over time. As you get older, things change... your schedule changes, your responsibilities, and especially your availability. I hate that I don't have the carefree timelessness that I used to have, where I can sit and talk and listen and not feel like I have to run off and get the next thing done. Doug and I have this running joke. He gets texts all the time from friends and I say, "It's nice how you have so many friends. I don't have ANY!" I know that's stretching it and being a little "Oh, woe is me." But I don't have as much time to nurture my friendships anymore, even though I know they're still there. I just have lots of friends in the same situation. We are in the thick of it, raising our munchkins and trying to put them first, and every once in a while, saving some time for ME.
Lately I've been thinking about how God uses my friends to teach me things that I just don't seem to be getting or don't want to. I have a close friend who also has 6 children. This friend is always so welcoming. It seems like she always has an extra someone at her house. I drop in on occasion on my walks to the park with my children, and often times, she just drops everything and they come along. I always think... "am I like that?" No... I let the kids have friends over, but not that much. And when they do have friends over, something happens to make me tell myself that I am NOT doing this again. Like the last time, when Chloe and Rachel had a friend over, I found 1000s of pieces of broken spaghetti all over the upstairs and on the roof. I was mostly angry with myself because I had no idea this was happening.
Back to my friend....I am also unlike her because I don't frequently say "sure, I'm not busy, I can come", instead I have an agenda for each day, and I usually put way too many things on that mental list, and I get annoyed with myself when I don't get it done, even though any normal human being could not have accomplished it with the same 50 interruptions I've had in my day. Things like....
"Mom - WIPE MY BUTT!!!!" Will can honestly wipe his own butt, but I do prefer to know that he's wearing underwear free of skid marks from time to time
"Mom, Libby's climbing on the kitchen counter."
"Mom, someone let Libby outside."
"Mom, Holly said stupid." - It's a cuss word in our house. When I get really mad, I just say STUPID really loud and it actually makes me feel better.
"Mom, Will hit me." "Holly hit me first".
"Mom, I just cleaned up the bedroom and the little kids wrecked it again!" (sorry Brooke, I feel your pain)
"Mom, come look at these pictures of dogs, which one do you like best? Can we get a dog? Everyone has a dog?" Followed by a list of 10 reasons why we should get a dog. They're wearing me down with this one. Over and over again.
"Mom, I'm hungry." They're always hungry!!!
Anyway, to continue with the point of my story. My friend and her husband invited us to come out to their permanent campsite one evening. Shortly after we got there, it began to rain. Before we knew it, it was pouring, and my friend and I were sitting in her camper with 13 children. Not much fun. But she didn't complain one bit. She invited us all inside. (I know you're wondering where the men were. Outside in the rain of course.) After a few minutes and realizing it was not going to let up, Doug and I high-tailed it out of there. Today, I reminded my friend of that adventure and I told her how I always think she's so patient and welcoming. She laughed at me. Her side of the story: After we left that night, her husband told her that she was being grumpy and she should probably call us and apologize. We both had a good laugh.
I guess you never really know what people are truly thinking. Usually what you think they're thinking... they're not really thinking. So no worries, right???
Lately I've been thinking about how God uses my friends to teach me things that I just don't seem to be getting or don't want to. I have a close friend who also has 6 children. This friend is always so welcoming. It seems like she always has an extra someone at her house. I drop in on occasion on my walks to the park with my children, and often times, she just drops everything and they come along. I always think... "am I like that?" No... I let the kids have friends over, but not that much. And when they do have friends over, something happens to make me tell myself that I am NOT doing this again. Like the last time, when Chloe and Rachel had a friend over, I found 1000s of pieces of broken spaghetti all over the upstairs and on the roof. I was mostly angry with myself because I had no idea this was happening.
Back to my friend....I am also unlike her because I don't frequently say "sure, I'm not busy, I can come", instead I have an agenda for each day, and I usually put way too many things on that mental list, and I get annoyed with myself when I don't get it done, even though any normal human being could not have accomplished it with the same 50 interruptions I've had in my day. Things like....
"Mom - WIPE MY BUTT!!!!" Will can honestly wipe his own butt, but I do prefer to know that he's wearing underwear free of skid marks from time to time
"Mom, Libby's climbing on the kitchen counter."
"Mom, someone let Libby outside."
"Mom, Holly said stupid." - It's a cuss word in our house. When I get really mad, I just say STUPID really loud and it actually makes me feel better.
"Mom, Will hit me." "Holly hit me first".
"Mom, I just cleaned up the bedroom and the little kids wrecked it again!" (sorry Brooke, I feel your pain)
"Mom, come look at these pictures of dogs, which one do you like best? Can we get a dog? Everyone has a dog?" Followed by a list of 10 reasons why we should get a dog. They're wearing me down with this one. Over and over again.
"Mom, I'm hungry." They're always hungry!!!
Anyway, to continue with the point of my story. My friend and her husband invited us to come out to their permanent campsite one evening. Shortly after we got there, it began to rain. Before we knew it, it was pouring, and my friend and I were sitting in her camper with 13 children. Not much fun. But she didn't complain one bit. She invited us all inside. (I know you're wondering where the men were. Outside in the rain of course.) After a few minutes and realizing it was not going to let up, Doug and I high-tailed it out of there. Today, I reminded my friend of that adventure and I told her how I always think she's so patient and welcoming. She laughed at me. Her side of the story: After we left that night, her husband told her that she was being grumpy and she should probably call us and apologize. We both had a good laugh.
I guess you never really know what people are truly thinking. Usually what you think they're thinking... they're not really thinking. So no worries, right???
Friday, June 28, 2013
Big Thrills
Today Doug and I (well mostly Doug) were painting our shed. By the way, Doug mentioned to me this evening, "If you want it to rain, just have Doug Speck paint something outside and it will surely rain." So anyway, after the rain, it was sunny again, and the kids were looking for a rainbow. They ran to the back yard and found a double rainbow. Then they all began shouting about the beautiful rainbow and the neighbors came to take a look. When we were all out there, they were talking about how awesome this was, and Mr. Will punches his fist in the air and screams "AWESOME!!!" in the most elated voice, and then runs away. We all burst out laughing.
This is one of the things I love about being a Mom. I get to experience the joys of all their firsts. I get to watch them experience something new and beautiful for the very first time and watch how it lights them up. I often forget how awesome some things really are, because I take them for granted, but moments like these remind me of how blessed we really are... with something as simple as a double rainbow. That's just "AWESOME!"
This is one of the things I love about being a Mom. I get to experience the joys of all their firsts. I get to watch them experience something new and beautiful for the very first time and watch how it lights them up. I often forget how awesome some things really are, because I take them for granted, but moments like these remind me of how blessed we really are... with something as simple as a double rainbow. That's just "AWESOME!"
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