And He Gave Us the Blessing

Have you ever heard Josh Groban sing, “O Holy Night?”  I have watched his video on YouTube several times.  The video is from the movie, “The Nativity Story,” which I watched when it first came out, and honestly, haven’t seen it since.  I’m not sure why I haven’t watched it again.  I loved it the first time.  Anyway, watching this video, while listening to Josh Groban sing, “O Holy Night” makes me cry.

Jesus is born, and Joseph weeps.  His shoulders were heaving; his body trembling.  I thought to myself, “Why is he weeping?”  Perhaps he was relieved, as fathers are, when their wife’s labor is finally over and the baby is born healthy.  But maybe it was more than that.  Maybe he was feeling in awe of this task that God had asked him to do for Him.   Maybe he was honored that God would ask him to be a part of this glorious act of love, bringing his Son into the world, even though he would have to sacrifice so much.  Perhaps Joseph was overwhelmed by the greatness of God, who fulfilled the words that he spoke to him long ago.  Perhaps he, himself was so moved as he gazed upon this child and he knew, he knew in that moment that this indeed was the Son of God.

And then Joseph looks at Mary with this look of pure gratitude.  His tears and his expression seem to say, “Thank you.”  Mary must’ve been so scared.  I myself have felt that way, with labor looming in front of me, wondering if I can really do this.  Yet at that moment, Mary looks as any new mother does, filled with  supernatural peace and joy as her months of sacrifice have come to fruition and she holds this new life in her arms; a miracle, every time. 

And then the kings come to Mary, who is holding Jesus in her arms, and they bow before their new king, this little child, and Mary watches this, saying nothing.  She already sees how the life of this child will be so very different than anything she could ever have imagined.  Have you ever felt like your own life is so different than you could ever have imagined?  Perhaps that is a good thing.

I guess I feel a little like Mary sometimes: uncertain, unable to see the future, and somewhat afraid.  But sometimes I feel strong enough to turn over my will in order to complete God’s will for my life.  I have heard that that is the best way to find peace in your life, when you are willing to live according to God’s will for you.  But what does he will for you? 

Doug and I are expecting our seventh child.  Many people say to us, “I don’t know how you do it.”  Honestly, I don’t either.  I feel like we are no more patient or kind than the next person.  We love each of our children dearly.  A few weeks ago, a friend of mine was talking about big families.  She is an only child.  She was wondering how the grandparents of so many children could possibly know them all.  She wasn’t saying this in a bad way.  She just didn’t seem to understand.  I thought about this for a while because it bothered me.  I know a family with 10 children, and they have close to 50 grandchildren, and yes, I know that they know each and every one of those grandkids.  How?  Love multiplies.   

This has been a different kind of a year for me.  I’ve been very concerned about some medical things that I’ve been experiencing.  We’ve been to several funerals.  Some close friends have been dealing with some very tough issues.  And sometimes, through my discouragement, I have held on to unnecessary fears, and it has made me feel like God is so far away.  But in fact, he has been right here.  I have felt Him even more through the people who love us.  

When we shared the news that we were expecting again, my brother, Jeff, told me that this was a tremendous opportunity to minister to others.  Despite my fears and worries, what he said really touched me.  Some friends at work, upon hearing the news, gave me a hug that seemed to last forever.  My Dad said, “There is no greater blessing.”  Two of my close friends cried when they hugged and congratulated me.  My aunts, sisters, and sister-in-law cried with me while I shared the story of how I found out.  I went to get an MRI, to check into some medical issues that were puzzling me.  Of course, I was worried about the MRI.  You cannot get an MRI when you are pregnant.  Although I was sure that wasn't the case, I had some blood work done first, just to make sure.  I’m looking at the MRI sign thinking “This could change my life forever”, and the sign for Lab Work (where I had just taken a pregnancy test), thinking “Either one could change our lives forever.”   

And God gave us the blessing. 

No matter how inadequate, unequipped, and unable we feel, I am so glad that God feels we are worthy and able to have another child for him.  So we are thankful for this blessing, even though it comes at an unexpected time.  As the bank account is never large enough, the car is certainly not big enough, and the house feels too small as well.  But God has planned this for us, right now, and so we thank Him, for His will is greater than ours. 

Love Does - by Bob Goff

My sister gave me this book as a gift.  I read it and was frustrated with a few parts, only because the things that the author was able to do, were not even a remote possibility for me.  But the message of the book became planted deep inside me and every once in a while, I see how it is taking root in my life.

Love Does.  You love by doing.

My favorite memory of last week's camping trip was the family game of kickball.  Almost everyone played.  I laughed so hard that I almost peed in my pants.  Had to cross my legs so I wouldn't .  It was just so much fun.  My sister-in-law and I exchanged glances, a smile, and a laugh as we watched her husband running the bases like a lunatic.  I thought to myself, "I don't think I've ever seen him run."  And he was running so fast.  I didn't know he had a competitive side.  I bet there's a lot of things I don't know about him, and the rest of my family.  Oh, it was so much fun!  The kids could have played all by themselves, but what fun is that?

Today when we were at the pool, instead of sitting on the edge of the baby pool, talking with the moms the entire time, I hopped in and caught Libby what felt like a million times down the slide.  I listened to her squeal with laughter.  I had bought an inner tube for her for the first time.  She was thrilled as she learned she could jump in all by herself without me catching her.  Four of the children did cannonballs off the edge of the pool.  They giggled and laughed.

Then Brooke took Libby to the park, and I watched Will as he learned to go off the dives for the first time by himself.  He  had just learned to swim.  I could see that sense of freedom and that thrill of learning something new.  It's been so long myself, that I forgot what that felt like.  I could see it on Will's face.  I loved every moment of it.  It brought me back.  And because Love Does, I got up on the big dive and raced Will into the pool.  I forgot what it felt like to jump high into the air and feel that flop in my stomach as I wondered when I would touch the water.  I attempted the old back flip that I used to do every day as a child at the pool.  Oh my gosh, it took me back, to what it felt like to be kid.  Amazing!  Love Does.  Thank you for that sweet message, God.  When I get up and do something with my kids, it's so much better than just watching.

When we got home, Will said to me, "Mom, today at the pool, that was AWESOME when you went off the dives."  He said it just like that, with capital letters.

Today I thought, "How blessed am I that I am even able to do these things with my children...and so I'm going to keep working on "Love Does".

You Are a Good Mom

A few months ago I read this book called, "Hands Free Mama".  It spoke to me in a million different ways.  I could totally relate to the author's feelings of inadequacy.  I want to share with you one of my favorite parts of the book.  If you are a Mom, I think you can totally relate to this.  Perhaps it will help you to remind yourself of who you are. 


The story began with the author telling about a devastating tornado that ripped through their hometown.  It killed 316 people in their state 10 months before and everyone was on edge whenever bad weather went through.  It happened to be an evening where severe weather was predicted.  That evening, she and her husband discussed whether it would be okay to put their daughters to sleep upstairs, and because the severe weather had headed north of them, they decided to put their girls to bed.  So she tucked them in bed, watched them go to sleep, and then tiptoed down the stairs.  When she got to the bottom of the steps, she froze in her tracks.  She couldn't move her feet.  She looked out the window and the trees were swaying violently.  She whispered to herself, "I can't stay downstairs."  Rationally, she knew everything was okay, because she had checked the radar, but her brain wouldn't let her go there.  So she went back upstairs and laid down next to her sleeping child.


She imagined every life-saving scenario in the event that a tornado would come.  Even if it meant that she would be blown up into a tornado's vortex, she would never once let go of her children.  If they were going to die, she was going to die with them.


It was at this moment that a divine whisper of affirmation popped into her head:


You are a good mom.
And then a little louder.
You are a good mom.


She began to cry.  As her tears dripped down on her daughter's pillowcase, she knew why those words touched her so much.  Because she didn't say them enough.  Truth be told, she found herself saying the exact opposite. 


The gentle voice inside of her that said, "You are a good mom,"  had more words to offer her.


So you aren't perfect.  You make mistakes and even some poor choices.  Some days your patience is too thin... some days you allow negative thoughts to silence thoughts of gratitude...some days you aren't the mom you want to be.


But hear this, and remember it:
When your children need defending, you defend.
When your children need comfort, you comfort.
When your children hurt, you hurt too.
And the reason you lie here wide awake when you could be sleeping soundly in your own bed is because you are willing to die for them.


So stop berating yourself.
Stop questioning yourself.
Stop shaming yourself.
And for God's sake, stop criticizing yourself.
Stop wondering if you are enough,
Because you are.
The fact that you have vowed to take on any monster of nature or human form that threatens your children overshadows the daily mistakes you make as a parent.


It is time to let go of the guilt and live each passing day knowing the love you have for your children is a life-sustaining positive that surmounts all other negatives.

I Broke the Law Today. ARGH!

I am so mad at myself.  I got a speeding ticket today.  It's been a long time since I've had one of those.  Let me back up a bit and explain how it all went down.


Doug left for a fishing trip on Thursday morning (today is Saturday).  I had a few things on the calendar that I planned to attend.  One of which was to go to Brooke's softball game at St. Marys.  If you are a mom with little children, you understand my dilemma.  I always hesitate to bring all the kids to the games/events because I don't know how long the kids will last.  I had no idea if St. Marys had a park for them to play at, or anything to keep them happy during the game.  My thoughts were to go and if someone had a meltdown, we could just leave and Brooke could find a ride home with someone else.  Positive thinking from the start... not so much.


One of my family members called and asked to ride along with me.  I was happy for the company, but worried about this car ride over.  I said, "Sure, if you don't mind riding with me and all of the kids."  It didn't sound like it was going to be a problem for her, but now I was worried. 


On the car ride over, the kids were having a grand ole time.  They were being rather loud.  They all have a good set of lungs, thanks to me.  Talking loudly, laughing, singing, etc... It all sounds great, but I was trying to converse with my family member and I could feel myself starting to get angry.  I couldn't even hear what she was saying, and I soon gave up on trying to have a conversation b/c I couldn't hear her!!!  After pleading with the kids for a while, I decided to threaten with a consequence.  "If you can't be more quiet, you are going to sit in the car for a while when we get there!"  Will didn't like this, and he was having a day where he just couldn't seem to behave.  More warnings and then... "Will, you owe me time in the car!"  To which he shouts "NO!"  Thank God we had just pulled in to the park, so I had the other kids get out of the car and walk to the diamond while I waited with Will.  He began screaming and throwing a fit.  He is on this kick where he yells "You are the meanest Mom in the world!  I hate you!"  I know that I need to nip that in the bud, but wouldn't you know, he says it when I'm away from home and my consequences are more limited. 


At this point, I'm picturing Ralphie (on the Christmas Story) with a bar of soap in his mouth.  No, I have never done that, but I've thought about it with Mr. Will.


After that, the game was pretty uneventful, but the next evening...


We went to the amphitheater to watch the Air Force Band.  It was difficult to watch the show because Will was running around on the concrete steps, climbing on rocks, which were part of their veterans monument, and walking away from the event that we came to see.  If it would've been just me there, I would've totally let him go because I know he has this extra pouch of energy and he seems to need to do these things.  But other people were trying to watch the show, not to mention, I'm sure they were worried about him running up and down those concrete steps.  (It's not that I don't care, but I know Will's limits.  He's an agile kid and I just know what he can and can't do... so I just don't get too worked up about the small stuff, usually.)  So I spent most of the evening trying to keep he and Libby happy.  I was just a little disappointed.  I always have these glorious images as to how each event is going to go and then it never works out that way, and then I'm sitting there watching the other kids who seem to be behaving wonderfully.  Isn't that how it always is.  You always notice the other kids who are so well behaved when your child is acting up.  Even though we all know, it could just as easily be them.


So, I'm getting to the point of my story.  On Saturday, I put Will and Libby down for a nap and left at 1:00 to go to JCPenneys to pick up a Father's Day gift for my hubby.  I was almost to St. Marys when my phone rings.  It's Brooke.  She was babysitting and she called to tell me that Will got up from his nap and won't go back to bed.  I know it's a normal thing, but I was so frustrated with him by this point.  So I'm telling Brooke what to do and I'm getting frustrated.  And as I'm getting frustrated, my foot is pressing harder on the gas pedal.  I'm not really noticing it at the time b/c I'm talking and thinking about what I'm going to do about that boy of mine!  So I hang up the phone and look down at my speedometer.  Wooooo, I was going 70 something!  So I pressed on my brake and what do you know, I look up and see a police car directly in front of me, with his stinking radar gun pointed right on me.  He did not waste a minute.  He turned those cherries on instantly and whipped around to my side of the road.  I wanted to SCREAM!   There was no arguing it.  I was totally speeding, and I really didn't even know why.  What the heck? 


When he came up to my car, he asked me where I was heading.... seriously... "JCPenney's".  Yeah - I just can't wait to get to JCPenney's and so I'm speeding.  What the heck!!!  I'm sitting there thinking... I'm an idiot.  God's teaching me a lesson.  I need to be more patient.  Why am I letting that little 4 year old boy get me so upset?  I love him so much.  But when he does those things that make no sense because he just can't help it, I don't know what to do with him.  I just don't understand little 4 year old boys.

A Couple of Bad Days and Some Good Advice from Different Places

I had a rough week at work a few months ago.  I wrote this post, but was unsure about posting it, so I waited.  Ok, I'm ready now.
 
I had been having several difficult situations with students at work, but one was really bothering me.

When a student I was working with would have a bad day, he would act out in defiance and refuse to do things.  Every time this would happen, I would analyze the situation. "Why is he doing this?"  "What is his home life like?"  "What could he possibly have to gain from this?"  Is there something that I am doing wrong?"

Things were escalating all week.  On Thursday, he was terrible.  He sat in my room and did nothing the entire class because he just plain refused to.  I decided I was going to play the "I don't care" card, so I ignored him.  I then told the group we were going to play a game.  He was instantly ready to cooperate.  I told him the he would not be playing the game because he did not participate in anything else that day, so he proceeded to throw a fit.  After he left the classroom for the day, I told myself that I was not putting up with it tomorrow.  I was going to try a new strategy.

The next day, I went to pick him up from his classroom and he refused to line up with the group.  After making a scene, he finally did line up, but when he got to the room, he refused to do anything that I asked, again.  I gave him one last chance.  "Either you do it, or you go to the principal's office."  He still refused.  I had to drag him kicking and screaming half-way down the hallway.  As I was going, all I could think to myself was, "Can I pick him up?  No, I can't pick him up.  What am I allowed to do here?"  A friend popped her head out of her classroom door.  "Do you want me to call the office?"  "Yes".  Then several other heads popped out of the classrooms down the hall.  It was making a huge ruckus.  One friend offered to take a hand and help me bring him down the hallway to the principal's office.  It was terrible.  My adrenaline was kicked into high gear.  My heart was pounding so hard that I felt like I couldn't hear anything anyone was saying.  It was throbbing in my ear.  When it was all over, I went to my room and wondered, "Did I do the right thing?"  I always wonder that, because it's kind of a big deal to that kid.  Some things aren't worth causing a stink over, but on the other hand, I know that I have to teach them that they cannot control and manipulate every situation.  It's not the way life works.  You do have to listen to your elders, respect others, and obey authority.

It was lunch, so I slipped out.  I went to the local church and put myself directly in front of the tabernacle and prayed for this child.  I just said, "Lord, I don't know how to help him.  I don't know if what I did was the right thing.  Help me to know what to do."  Usually I read my bible, but I couldn't even pick it up.  I was too upset to concentrate.  I just sat there.  A lump.

I'm not sure when it came to me, but at some point, I felt the Lord was saying that I needed to tell him that no matter what he does, I will always care for him.  If he has a bad day or a good day, I still love and care for him, because that's how it works when you care about someone.

My father said, "You're doing what you can."
My brother-in-law said, "There are some things you just can't fix."
My husband said, "Stop taking it out on me."  He was just kidding, but it made me laugh when I really needed to.  Thanks, Doug!

It's hard, though, to go home and not think about it.  After days like that, I find myself daydreaming, rethinking the whole situation, and then I come out of it and realize that my own children have been repeating the same question for a while and I'm not responding.

So I'm sitting in church on Sunday and a missionary priest says, "Every kind word, every smile, and every uplifting thing you do for others,  Jesus notices."  That made me smile.  I always think of the things I could do better, but what about the things that I am doing right?

Would you believe I got to school after the weekend, and this child that caused me to worry and pray all weekend, pulled his chair around the table and sat right next to me.  There isn't even a spot there.  It was an act of love.  And it was huge for me.

He's such a challenge,
but I love him. 

He is also such a blessing.

Teacher friends, our job is so important.  We are light and love to so many.  Never forget that.  When you feel like your job is impossible.  When you feel like you can't possibly be making a difference.

You are.

Every kind word.  Every smile.  Every hug that you give and receive.  It matters.

Open Your Hands to Jesus

A friend once said to me, "When you are holding onto your burdens, you can't open your hands to embrace others."  I thought about that for a long time.  Only because I knew there were things that I was holding on to.  I can trust God with some things a lot easier than others.  I didn't realize that by hanging onto some of those things, I was keeping myself from loving others, embracing others, and feeling that embrace right back.

Image

Tonight I was thinking about how much I care about image.  I think I can say that I'm like most people in that I like to look nice.  When I don't... like when I have a bad hair day or a stinking zit on my face (yes - I still get them), it affects the way that I feel about myself throughout my day.  Maybe not in a big way, but at least I think about.  How stupid is this?  I'll answer my own question.  Very stupid.

I was talking to a friend at work a few weeks ago about "girly girls".  I was talking about someone that I thought was in that category.  My friend didn't say much of anything.  I'm sure she thought I was a hypocrite.

My friend is a simple person.  She always looks nice, but she wears little if any make-up.  I've rarely seen her wear a piece of jewelry, and she doesn't use hairspray, either.  I've never seen her wear high heels. There I stand, wearing make-up, of course, since I rarely go anywhere without it.  I'm sure I had at least a few pieces of jewelry on, and I'm also positive that I was wearing perfume and sporting several spritzes, at minimum, of hairspray.  I definitely do wear high heels at times, no matter how painful, because I love how they look with certain outfits.  Sometimes I paint my nails.  I even wear lipstick to work on occasion, and I have taken the time to reapply it a time or two.

I'm not saying that any of these things are wrong.  I just think that it's wrong for me to dwell on superficial things, or to let it affect my day or how I feel about myself.

Gosh, I think I do dwell on these things sometimes.  I can be rather self-conscious.  Sometimes I'm not comfortable with who I am.  I think this is why I care about image.  How I'd really like to be free of this.  Free of always comparing myself to others.  I'd like to stop passing by the mirror noticing the things that I do or don't like about myself in comparison to others.  Yuck!

Since then I've thought to myself.  What do I think even qualifies someone as a "girly girl"?  "What makes me different than one?"  Well, actually, not much.  I guess I don't like massages, pedicures, or manicures.  But mostly because I don't want someone I don't know touching me.  I don't like to spend a lot of money on clothes, although I do like to have nice clothes.  Shopping is not one of my favorite activities.  I don't fake bake. And... that's about it.  Crap!  I can't be a girly girl!

Saint Rose of Lima once rubbed her face with pepper till it was red and blistery because she feared that her beauty might be of temptation to someone.  Let me tell you that I am not worried about that.  Nothing tempting here.  But I had this thought... what if I had been born hideous?  How different would I be?

Would I see things differently.  Would I see more with my heart.  Perhaps I would be more able to love everyone, regardless of how they appear.

I have been asking myself this question:  How do I treat others who look different, who are not clean, who smell bad?  This is my current work in progress.  And my prayer to get me started:

Lord, I seek to please you in all things.  I ask that you make me humble and holy.  Reveal to me the things that I desire which are not pleasing to you.  And help me as I struggle to let go of those things.  Open my heart so I can be free to love others as you have called me to love.  May I be more like you, Jesus.