I had a rough week at work a few months ago. I wrote this post, but was unsure about posting it, so I waited. Ok, I'm ready now.
I had been having several difficult situations with students at work, but one was really bothering me.
When a student I was working with would have a bad day, he would act out in defiance and refuse to do things. Every time this would happen, I would analyze the situation. "Why is he doing this?" "What is his home life like?" "What could he possibly have to gain from this?" Is there something that I am doing wrong?"
Things were escalating all week. On Thursday, he was terrible. He sat in my room and did nothing the entire class because he just plain refused to. I decided I was going to play the "I don't care" card, so I ignored him. I then told the group we were going to play a game. He was instantly ready to cooperate. I told him the he would not be playing the game because he did not participate in anything else that day, so he proceeded to throw a fit. After he left the classroom for the day, I told myself that I was not putting up with it tomorrow. I was going to try a new strategy.
The next day, I went to pick him up from his classroom and he refused to line up with the group. After making a scene, he finally did line up, but when he got to the room, he refused to do anything that I asked, again. I gave him one last chance. "Either you do it, or you go to the principal's office." He still refused. I had to drag him kicking and screaming half-way down the hallway. As I was going, all I could think to myself was, "Can I pick him up? No, I can't pick him up. What am I allowed to do here?" A friend popped her head out of her classroom door. "Do you want me to call the office?" "Yes". Then several other heads popped out of the classrooms down the hall. It was making a huge ruckus. One friend offered to take a hand and help me bring him down the hallway to the principal's office. It was terrible. My adrenaline was kicked into high gear. My heart was pounding so hard that I felt like I couldn't hear anything anyone was saying. It was throbbing in my ear. When it was all over, I went to my room and wondered, "Did I do the right thing?" I always wonder that, because it's kind of a big deal to that kid. Some things aren't worth causing a stink over, but on the other hand, I know that I have to teach them that they cannot control and manipulate every situation. It's not the way life works. You do have to listen to your elders, respect others, and obey authority.
It was lunch, so I slipped out. I went to the local church and put myself directly in front of the tabernacle and prayed for this child. I just said, "Lord, I don't know how to help him. I don't know if what I did was the right thing. Help me to know what to do." Usually I read my bible, but I couldn't even pick it up. I was too upset to concentrate. I just sat there. A lump.
I'm not sure when it came to me, but at some point, I felt the Lord was saying that I needed to tell him that no matter what he does, I will always care for him. If he has a bad day or a good day, I still love and care for him, because that's how it works when you care about someone.
My father said, "You're doing what you can."
My brother-in-law said, "There are some things you just can't fix."
My husband said, "Stop taking it out on me." He was just kidding, but it made me laugh when I really needed to. Thanks, Doug!
It's hard, though, to go home and not think about it. After days like that, I find myself daydreaming, rethinking the whole situation, and then I come out of it and realize that my own children have been repeating the same question for a while and I'm not responding.
So I'm sitting in church on Sunday and a missionary priest says, "Every kind word, every smile, and every uplifting thing you do for others, Jesus notices." That made me smile. I always think of the things I could do better, but what about the things that I am doing right?
Would you believe I got to school after the weekend, and this child that caused me to worry and pray all weekend, pulled his chair around the table and sat right next to me. There isn't even a spot there. It was an act of love. And it was huge for me.
He's such a challenge,
but I love him.
He is also such a blessing.
Teacher friends, our job is so important. We are light and love to so many. Never forget that. When you feel like your job is impossible. When you feel like you can't possibly be making a difference.
You are.
Every kind word. Every smile. Every hug that you give and receive. It matters.
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